Giving back.

ANOTHER day! Hi Thursday - today's gonna be great. Wow. Good stuff. We are totally ON to something. Did you read the comments? Wonderful. PURE WONDERFUL. Have a go at them if you have time - very sage advice. We could just print them out AS IS and have pretty comprehensive HOW-TO book for life. I had to stick to three winners because I only have three sets of the Yummy Cards. So, let's not delay - my coffee's getting cold. Here they are...
If you see your comment in that bunch - EMAIL ME with your address and I will send you a full set of Yummy Cards from Botanical PaperWorks and you will NOT BE DISAPPOINTED one bit (Thanks Heidi!). Good score. Thanks for playing along AGAIN. [I had to chuckle at comment three: Christina - these cards are actually for your husband because he made Dan laugh OUT LOUD with his advice. That's a feat. And anything that makes Dan laugh OUT LOUD - gets good billing by me. I love his laugh.] Sweet deal.
Angela Harris left me a comment that triggered a memory of a funny story (Hi Angela!). In 2004, when my book, LoveLife was released, there was a little event at a local bookstore. I had small bookmarks made to handout to guests and in the grand scheme of my life - it was huge. It changed me. It's something to release a book - but, it is something else entirely to stand nervously at a podium and see every single person you know overflowing from a beloved bookstore - ONLY THERE TO SUPPORT YOU. (I showed up late for my OWN BOOK SIGNING because I didn't think anyone would come.) There were no chairs left. There was no standing room to be had. It makes me cry just to think about it. It's carved in my heart and truly a moment that I am grateful for. That was the memory Angela triggered.

The funny story: weeks after the book release I had ANOTHER book event at a different and much, much bigger much less personal large chain book store. It was a mortifying because they insisted that I stand at the large doors that lead into the store from the mall and introduce myself to the people that entered by saying "HI! My name is Kal Barteski and I wrote the book LoveLife. Please, come and check it out blah, blah, blah..." while extending my hand and offering them one of my bookmarks. NOT SOMETHING I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH AT ALL. At all. I hate selling things. I hate being told what to do. I hate forcing what will just happen (or not happen). Books go where they are needed - I believe that. BUT the book selling world was new to me and they had big plans for me and my little white book... SO, I brought a few friends along for moral support and one of those friends brought his 5 year old daughter who raced gleefully around the store entertaining herself. When I couldn't take anymore humiliation and I had run out of bookmarks I called it quits - BUT, not before the little sweet girl came racing over - her hands OVERFLOWING with bookmarks and a look of pure happiness. She shouted with joy, "LOOK AT THIS, Kal! Pretty bookmarks all over the store -  SCATTERED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!" Her eyes were wide and beautiful and sparkling with the excitement of finding colourful treasure. To the rest of the shoppers that day - it was trash. And as deflating as the moment was - IT WAS PRETTY FRICKIN' FUNNY.
That definitely hit home the point FOR ME that every situation is ONLY what you make of it, how you look at it, and what you see in it...

One other good piece of advice I was given was to PRACTICE FORGIVING MYSELF. That didn't make sense to me at first... but, it's something I work at more often. It's also really hard sometimes - especially now that Pilot is around... I'm a perfectionist and I expect a lot from ME. But, I also screw-up a lot and lose my temper and need breaks and need to be a little gentler WITH myself and ON MYSELF some times. Practicing this has makes it easier to be gentler on others...

Today: Pilot and I have a few errands to run while the wonderful cleaning lady whips our crib into shape. I love it when that happens. We have some material tests to run on our top secret Christmas crafts. Shhhhhh.... I need to get groceries because my high hopes for a hearty meal from yesterday turned out to be an embarrassing concoction of white rice and frozen vegetables. NOT COOL. I am completely in the holiday spirit and in search of the perfect topiary trees to compliment our berry wreaths. AND CANDY CANES! That's about as much as I think I can tackle with Pilot in tow and naps in place, but if I can - I WILL DO MORE. Like sorting our dressers and closest into piles for Goodwill. AND eating chocolate.

A-WEEK-OF-GIVING PRIZE TODAY: I tried to make this a good one today. It's the best idea I could come up with so that everyone wins. Leave me a note about the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive yourself for.... AND VISIT THIS LINK. It's not much, but it's my gift to you. Half price LoveLife books in Canadian dollars (plus shipping). Gift it to someone. Keep it for yourself. I love this season - whether you celebrate Christmas or not - not matter which stars you believe it - I think we all believe in GIVING MORE so the world gets better.

Hello THURSDAY! I need more coffee. Go!

Comments

[anya]

I have read all the comments thus far and I can't believe how many of us feel that same things - guilt for not being the perfect parent, the perfect spouse, the perfect sister ( or granddaughter..), the perfect PERSON. And how hard it is to forgive ourselves - so hard that many of us haven't figured out how to. I know when I read Kal's blog this morning I decided I couldn't comment - I have never forgave myself for any of those big mistakes I made. Sure, I learned from them, and others forgave me, but I just never forgave myself. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why is forgiving others easier?

[chedyer]

This is actually a tricky one.. there are two but I'll go with the second :-)

I forgave myself for not being able to conceive a child. Granted this took a LONG time to do but once I was able to say to myself "i forgive you".. it helped pave the way actually FEEL forgiven for it. (if that makes any amount of sense!)

Thanks so much for the sale on the book... I've been meaning to place the order for months now and just never got around to it.

You're fabulous!!!
:-)

[thursday]

I see a lot of comments about mistakes made with children....and that might be number two!

My husband has his PhD. I don't. I don't even have my Master's, despite being in grad school for five years. I had to forgive myself for quitting. I never thought I was a quitter, but I just didn't have the passion I thought I did. I'm not entirely sure I've forgiven myself for it, but I know, deep down, that it was the right decision. Occasionally I think about going back to school. And every time, I have to forgive myself again, and remind myself that I'm fine the way I am! I am NOT inferior to all those who have advanced degrees. Really, what would I do with an MA in archaeology? I was a terrible grad student (not good for someone who'd like to be perfect).

[Shalae Tippetts]

For times when I treated another person horribly, just because I was too concerned about myself. Everyone just needs love and acceptance. I've always wondered if I could have made a difference if I had made them feel important and loved rather than worrying about myself.

[Heather]

My husband and I lost a baby when I was 4 months pregnant about 2 years ago. Thankfully since then, we have a beautiful baby boy, but I think that the hardest thing that I ever had to forgive myself for was feeling like it was my fault for losing the baby. I had thoughts like "Maybe I worked out too much" or "Maybe I ate something wrong" and many others, but I needed to realize that all that really mattered was that my baby is in Heaven. It was a really amazing thing to come to the place where I realized that my baby had never experienced any pain or suffering, just Heaven. WOW...that is what gave me peace in the midst of the hardest experience of my life.

[Sarah]

I continue to work on forgiving myself for thinking I've been worthless throughout my life. I realize now that it's impossible for others to find value in you, when you don't love and value yourself. I'm working on it.

[mary w]

I am still working on forgiving myself for giving my son up for adoption when I was 16 years old...my father would not let me back in the house if I kept the baby,the baby's father left the state when I was 4 months along....I don't think I had much of a choice but it is still not easy to live with. My son is 23 years old now-I used to count the days until he would be 18 because I convinced myself he would try and find me once he was old enough-I guess he hasn't forgiven me either.

[Heather]

Hi kal. Thanks so much for all your giving this week. It's been heaps of fun and reading all the feedback is really worth a book of its own. Thank you for your generosity with your book as well. You are an inspiration. I hope you know that.
As for forgiving myself - when I lose it with my husband. Why is it that I treat the ones closest to me with such disgrace but the ones that really deserve it [the truth about how they are acting] get my politeness. Not right. I can only keep working on it.

[Rachel]

I find it hardest to forgive myself when I mess up with my kids. There are a few moments that still make me cringe and feel terrible. For example, last summer we moved across the country. I was 30 weeks pregnant and flew by myself with our then 5 and 3 year old children. The kids totally melted down on the plane and it was all I could do to keep myself together. We were a total spectacle! When we got off the plane, my oldest totally fell apart in the bathroom and ended up hitting his head. Instead of taking him in my arms and making it better (or having a good cry together), I was super snappy and hard on him. I felt so small for not being kinder and making his first few minutes in our new province better. I know it's probably not the end of the world but that's the kind of stuff I find hardest to forgive myself for.

[Rachel]

P.S. AWESOME gift today! Thanks. You are one generous Lady, Kal.

[Sharon]

The hardest thing I have had to do/forgive myself for is cutting off ties with my mom. She is a very mentally unstable person who refuses to take help from doctors. After the birth of my son five years ago, I decided enough was enough. I couldn't justify putting my son in harm's way. I've had to work through a lot of guilt for turning my back on her and robbing my son of a grandparent. I know it's the best thing for us, but hard all the same.

[Katrina]

I can't think of any specific instances right now, but I KNOW that feeling...where I've don't something stupid or screwed up in some way & I can't change it. It's an awful feeling. It's so helpful to be reminded that it's ok to forgive ourselves & to move past it. I often rely on my husband for that reminder...and he relies on me for the same. Not always easy to see for yourself, that it's time to forgive yourself or how to forgive yourself.

[Michelle E.]

One time I made some wrong assumptions about my best friend and felt the need to tell her about it. We've worked through it cuz she's awesome but I know it still hurt her. If I could take that back I definitely would.

[Melissa Legaree]

something I've forgiven myself for... wow that is hard. I guess I have forgiven myself for feeling guilty when I could not complete a task that has been given to me. I have a very hard time allowing other people to help me, even when I know I need it. I have started forgiving myself and not feeling guilty when I ask for help. I am not expected to do everything by myself, so I have to start letting go, when it cannot be done alone.

Today I had a fantastic lunch with my mom (Paulette) whom I have not seen in weeks, it was such a needed visit. Helped to make me see the silver lining this week. Thank YOU for being so kind this week and helping other people see the silver lining!

m

[audrey]

I don't have a hard time forgiving myself for little things. But the bigger things, I just do my best to forgive myself...it's forgetting that is the hardest part.

[Cindy]

Every day is a new day; a new opportunity to say, "I'm not perfect but I'm doing my best." ...and I am okay with that.

OMG!...thank you, Kal, for your generous gift to us all. I have truly been blessed today! I am so looking forward to savoring every page of your book....thanks. ~ cindy

[Jamie]

Hey Kal...I think the hardest thing I've had to let go is that it's ok to not be able to DO EVERYTHING. I stayed home for awhile with my first, and with my second baby quickly approaching his due date...I have to remember what my priorities are. I can't do it all....between work, motherhood, being a wife, crafter, friend, etc.....it's OK to not be PERFECT! I guess I still place high expectations upon myself, but not unreal ones anymore. It's been freeing!
Jamie

[Jana]

Forgiveness for past mistakes... so hard to do, but so necessary. I agree with what Audrey posted, that maybe we can forgive ourselves, but can we forget? Hopefully we're learning though and can do better next time.

[Kristle]

Thank you Kal for such a great gift! I, of course, already have one - it's now a bit worn with lots of dog-eared pages. But hey it's well read! Someone new has come into my life who I know will find your art and prose very inspiring - a big help at a turning point in her life.

As for forgiving myself... It was pretty tough to forgive myself for pursuing the wrong path. I try not to be of the mind that there are right and wrong life decisions since every decision leads somewhere and teaches me something. That said, I really beat up on myself after coming to the realization that the decision to invest many years and thousands of dollars to become an environmental lawyer wasn't what I really wanted. It can make you pretty angry with yourself.

Eventually I forgave myself and in doing that, a door that had been previously inaccessible, swung wide open. Today I am an eco entrepreneur - working everyday to create smart and sustainable communities. Forgiveness is good.

[Melissa Mac.]

I think women are forgiving themselves not for things they've necessarily done wrong but for, in their minds, not doing enough. Isn't that interesting? Now certainly I've learned to "let go" of things that I've held onto, guilt about, or things that I've tried to reconcile or fix in my mind for long periods of time but I don't think I've ever done anything wrong enough to need to forgive myself. Let go, yes. Letting go is so very good for the soul.

Thanks, Kal, for your website and your questions this week.

[Kellie T]

Thank you Kal for the chance to get your book. I have a copy (I met you at Inspired) and now I will get a copy for a friend who is going through a rough time, I sent her to your blog (she is a new mom) and she has found inspiration in your words and perspective.

I am still working on forgiving myself for not being able to stay pregnant/being infertile. I try not to even use the word infertile anymore because of the negative connotation. It was the one thing in life that I thought I would be, a mother. The easy thing. College, working, getting my doctorate, all challenges that I never even dreamed of doing yet accomplished, but being a mom, that was never a question. It has been 7 years and everyday is a struggle to forgive myself since I am sure that it is "my fault" I cannot get pregnant. No counselor I have seen (and I have seen a few) has been able to help me forgive myself. It is something that only I can do and something that I work everyday to forgive myself for, I am a work in progress.

[TB]

This is the hardest question of the week! I'm not sure I ever forgive myself for anything! The times that I regret my actions or words just spin around and around in my head, usually at 2 o'clock in the morning. I can push them away during the day, but at night....

The hardest thing to forgive myself for is once when I was about 15, this girl in the neighborhood, maybe she was 14, had a weird thing on her leg. She was often very mean to me. I guess I thought I could get back at her, but I told her that her leg looked ugly. I did not understand that she had just had surgery and had stitches and some medical hardware sticking out of the injury. She lost her leg soon after that to cancer. Then she lost her mom to breast cancer just a couple of weeks after that.

I still beat myself up about that incident. Why did I say anything? Why did I stoop to being mean, too? I knew better! (I have always wished I could apologize.)(Head hung in shame.)

[ConnieC]

I have forgiven myself for writing my dad off. He chose his wife and their life over the rest of the family, and I can't change that. I just had to learn to live with it.

[Jewelz]

It doesn't sound like much when I read everyone else's comments but the hardest thing I find to forgive myself over is the fact that I'm NOT perfect.
I'm NOT the perfect woman!
I'm NOT the perfect mother!
I'm NOT the perfect wife!
I'm NOT the perfect lover!
I'm NOT the perfect artist!
I'm NOT the perfect teacher!
I'm NOT the perfect colleague!
I'm NOT the perfect friend!
however,
I AM perfect at being me
and I think the fact that people still love me in spite of myself is pretty cool!
So everyday I try to forgive myself for not being perfect.
It's hard but woot woot woot it's liberating :)

Cheers
Jewelz

[Lori]

The hardest thing I have ever had to forgive myself for was in 2004. My next door neighbor (An addiction counselor and RN) and very close friend was suffering from a relapse involving prescription meds and severe depression. I called her from next door one evening to check in on her. She was "out of it" and slurring her words on the phone which wasn't unusual during this period of time. I asked her if she was alright and if she needed me to call for medical assistance. She assured me she was just very tired and was fine. I made her promise she would call me if she needed me. I told her I would call her in the morning to check in on her. I found my dear friend the next day dead in her chair with her dinner still on her tray. Her death was ruled cardiac arrest due to a drug interaction. Carol was only 47. I struggled for months not being able to forgive myself for not calling for medical assistance. Today, I still struggle on occasion but have for the most part come to terms that I can no longer blame myself for her situation. I miss her. :(
(Sorry for the long post~You have plenty to read!)

[Nicola]

This year in July I gave birth to my baby girl, and a week after I came home with her my three year old son was admitted to hospital with pneaumonia. Between me and my husband we did shifts staying with him. As a result I spent very little time with my baby, breastfeeding and trying to bond with her was very hard and I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Eventually my son got well and came home. It was the worst time of my life, I am still trying to forgive myself for not spending enough time trying to bond with my baby and hope that with time the two of us will find our groove again.

[Jenn]

I had such a disappointing day yesterday I couldn't bear to think about other times I had disappointed myself. I guess that means I haven't done as good a job forgiving myself as I thought.

[m's mama]

That account of the bookmarks and being assigned the 'duty' of sentinel door-guard at the mall confirmed in me the exclamatory certainty as to why I will never, no never, not EVER host a book-signing. I already had a check in my spirit as to why that might not be a venture suited to my particular nature, but your story has melted the wax and stamped a seal on that personal edict for me!