Giving back.

ANOTHER day! Hi Thursday - today's gonna be great. Wow. Good stuff. We are totally ON to something. Did you read the comments? Wonderful. PURE WONDERFUL. Have a go at them if you have time - very sage advice. We could just print them out AS IS and have pretty comprehensive HOW-TO book for life. I had to stick to three winners because I only have three sets of the Yummy Cards. So, let's not delay - my coffee's getting cold. Here they are...
If you see your comment in that bunch - EMAIL ME with your address and I will send you a full set of Yummy Cards from Botanical PaperWorks and you will NOT BE DISAPPOINTED one bit (Thanks Heidi!). Good score. Thanks for playing along AGAIN. [I had to chuckle at comment three: Christina - these cards are actually for your husband because he made Dan laugh OUT LOUD with his advice. That's a feat. And anything that makes Dan laugh OUT LOUD - gets good billing by me. I love his laugh.] Sweet deal.
Angela Harris left me a comment that triggered a memory of a funny story (Hi Angela!). In 2004, when my book, LoveLife was released, there was a little event at a local bookstore. I had small bookmarks made to handout to guests and in the grand scheme of my life - it was huge. It changed me. It's something to release a book - but, it is something else entirely to stand nervously at a podium and see every single person you know overflowing from a beloved bookstore - ONLY THERE TO SUPPORT YOU. (I showed up late for my OWN BOOK SIGNING because I didn't think anyone would come.) There were no chairs left. There was no standing room to be had. It makes me cry just to think about it. It's carved in my heart and truly a moment that I am grateful for. That was the memory Angela triggered.

The funny story: weeks after the book release I had ANOTHER book event at a different and much, much bigger much less personal large chain book store. It was a mortifying because they insisted that I stand at the large doors that lead into the store from the mall and introduce myself to the people that entered by saying "HI! My name is Kal Barteski and I wrote the book LoveLife. Please, come and check it out blah, blah, blah..." while extending my hand and offering them one of my bookmarks. NOT SOMETHING I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH AT ALL. At all. I hate selling things. I hate being told what to do. I hate forcing what will just happen (or not happen). Books go where they are needed - I believe that. BUT the book selling world was new to me and they had big plans for me and my little white book... SO, I brought a few friends along for moral support and one of those friends brought his 5 year old daughter who raced gleefully around the store entertaining herself. When I couldn't take anymore humiliation and I had run out of bookmarks I called it quits - BUT, not before the little sweet girl came racing over - her hands OVERFLOWING with bookmarks and a look of pure happiness. She shouted with joy, "LOOK AT THIS, Kal! Pretty bookmarks all over the store -  SCATTERED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!" Her eyes were wide and beautiful and sparkling with the excitement of finding colourful treasure. To the rest of the shoppers that day - it was trash. And as deflating as the moment was - IT WAS PRETTY FRICKIN' FUNNY.
That definitely hit home the point FOR ME that every situation is ONLY what you make of it, how you look at it, and what you see in it...

One other good piece of advice I was given was to PRACTICE FORGIVING MYSELF. That didn't make sense to me at first... but, it's something I work at more often. It's also really hard sometimes - especially now that Pilot is around... I'm a perfectionist and I expect a lot from ME. But, I also screw-up a lot and lose my temper and need breaks and need to be a little gentler WITH myself and ON MYSELF some times. Practicing this has makes it easier to be gentler on others...

Today: Pilot and I have a few errands to run while the wonderful cleaning lady whips our crib into shape. I love it when that happens. We have some material tests to run on our top secret Christmas crafts. Shhhhhh.... I need to get groceries because my high hopes for a hearty meal from yesterday turned out to be an embarrassing concoction of white rice and frozen vegetables. NOT COOL. I am completely in the holiday spirit and in search of the perfect topiary trees to compliment our berry wreaths. AND CANDY CANES! That's about as much as I think I can tackle with Pilot in tow and naps in place, but if I can - I WILL DO MORE. Like sorting our dressers and closest into piles for Goodwill. AND eating chocolate.

A-WEEK-OF-GIVING PRIZE TODAY: I tried to make this a good one today. It's the best idea I could come up with so that everyone wins. Leave me a note about the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive yourself for.... AND VISIT THIS LINK. It's not much, but it's my gift to you. Half price LoveLife books in Canadian dollars (plus shipping). Gift it to someone. Keep it for yourself. I love this season - whether you celebrate Christmas or not - not matter which stars you believe it - I think we all believe in GIVING MORE so the world gets better.

Hello THURSDAY! I need more coffee. Go!

Comments

[Angela]

I need to forgive myself more often but the hardest one was when I was in labour with my daughter. I had a midwife and had every intention of not having any drugs. However, my back caused me unbelievable pain and I ended up needing the drugs. The hospital had given me nitrosoxcide (sp?) but it wasn't doing enough. So, while I was waiting for an epidural the midwife or someone suggested Demeral which seemed ok at the time. But after my daughter was born, she struggled with the drug for weeks. All she wanted to do was sleep and I had such a hard time getting her to eat. It was so upsetting watching her lose weight knowing that I had done this to her. Thankfully, she got over it and is fine.

[Tammy]

What an awesome give away! Thank you so much! I suspected my hubby was going to buy me the book for Christmas, so I forwarded the link to him - but told him if he wasn't going to buy me one to let me know so I could order one myself. Awesome.

I grew up in a home where I was never good enough. Where I never lived up to expectations or "potential". I am working very hard lately to forgive myself for not being perfect. To forgive myself for not living up to their expectations and to set more realistic expectations for myself. And when I fall short of those, I need to forgive myself for that, too.

Thank you for all of your thought provoking questions this week. Thinking about my own answers has been very meaningful and reading everyone else's has been downright inspirational.

[Gayle]

I wanted to tell you about something I saw this morning that I think you would totally dig. I saw these over at another blog- Pretty Bourgeois and here is the link to some super cute ukuleles painted like fruits!

http://www.uniquewoodentoys.com/cart.php?target=product&product_id=17974&category_id=348

Happy Thursday!

[Alex]

There's only an hour left of my Thursday! Had to take a little break from working to check my email/blogs before I get back to it.

Oh the bookmark story! It's amazing the way your perception of a situation can change with time. If you can't look back on something and have a bit of a chuckle, then what's the point? Why only remember the bad side? Instead, smother the bad with the good stuff!

[Debbie McIntyre]

I actually don't forgive myself for my screw-ups. I just put them behind me because I can't change it and from time to time the sick feeling comes back. Such is life.

[Danielle Melnyczenko]

The hardest thing I've had to forgive myself for would be eating too much. Sounds bizarre I know. I ate to hide loneliness, to make me happy and provide comfort. I still love food I just love different types of food now. I've forgiven myself for being lazy and uneducated about food and I changed my pattern. I just have trouble forgiving myself for not doing it sooner.

[melissa]

I still haven't forgiven myself and it still haunts me until this day. Maybe I don't want to forgive myself because I want to remember what an idiot I was.

I flinched, turned away, in a moment where I should have reached out immediately. The moment was so quick but so huge and became a turning point in my life. Things slowly started to change from that moment, then rolled, tumbled, crashed and I picked up the pieces.

[brooke]

I have a hard time forgiving myself when i lose it with my kids. Hopefully they will forget that i yelled, and remember that we went to the park, played in puddles, read lots of books, made a fort with couch cushions, but i feel so ill-equipped to be a mom when their behavior reduces me to acting like a preschooler and yelling over something stupid.

[Maria Kurylo]

this has to be quick...I am on my way to the airport...I think the hardest thing for me has been giving myself permission to just be me - it's not forgiving so much as allowing and accepting - sometimes I will be a bitch, sometimes I will be a dumb-ass, many times I will be less than perfect! That has been the hardest thing for me on my journey - forgiving the imperfections and just enjoying me!

thanks for the fab gift Kal - you rock!

[Annabet]

I need to forgive myself more for mistakes I make in parenting my two girls. But the good news is that I can and everyday is a new day!

[erin]

I have an 18 month old little girl. During the first few months of motherhood I really struggled with every little choice I made because they weren't just effecting me anymore. There are so many decisions to make being mom and felt the huge weight of my choices. I finally realized that this was no way to live for myself or my little girl. So, I decided I had to forgive myself. Forgive myself for past wrong decisions and for all of the wrong decisions that I would inevitably make in the future. And, be proud for the right ones too. Now I just do my best and cut myself some slack. Being a mom is the biggest challenge of my life and its wonderfully hard.

[brooke]

where did you get your shoes? love them! what are they called?

[erica]

Kick ass gift Kal!! Your book has been on my wishlist for a long time! I can't wait to get it!

I don't know if I'm working at forgiving myself or forgiving my father. He was a hard man to grow up with. He was really hard on my sister and I, more on me than her. It's taken me the last 4 years to work through all the pain and emotions. I blamed myself for the way he treated me. Now after all these years, I realized it wasnt me. It's not my fault. I am pretty darn awesome.

[Lisa]

I had a hard time forgiving myself when my grandfather passed away. He had become quite sick and ended up in the hospital for a while. I wanted so much to be with him because we were so close and I loved him dearly but I no longer lived in the same city. Along with that I had responsibilities that I couldn't just drop. I was on my own, had a job, needed the money to pay my bills and couldn't afford to just drop everything to go to him. The hardest part for me was that I am very close with my family and to not be there was painful when I knew that many others were. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and my Dad knew how much it tore me up inside. He was the one that sat with me and talked it out with me at the funeral to help me see that it wasn't something I should feel guilty about and opened my eyes again. I know that my Grandpa was surrounded by his loved ones and that he knew I was there in spirit now but it took a lot out of me.

[Tammy]

The hardest thing I had to forgive myself for...2 years ago when my sister was in a terrible car accident in critical condition in the hospital, my dad just had a heart attack and my mother had passed away 1 and half before. My life was over taken by my family. I was there for them 24/7. Looking after all their affairs, worrying about if they would make it or not, contemplating why I couldn’t have done something, I was angry at the people that weren’t kind to them before. My life was over taken.
Two months after my sister accident, she was being transferred to a recovering unit at another medical facility. It was the same place that my mother had lived at for the last 5 years of her life and where my dear Grandmother was living. There was a great emotional connection to this place. I felt confident in their care. I received the call that my sister was being transferred and would be arriving in approximately 30 minutes. It felt safe; she would be somewhere that was like home for me. I was getting ready to head over there, when my phone rang, and it was the head nurse from my grandmother’s unit. She was in tears and could hardly speak, all I remember is that “Tammy I’m so sorry, you grandmothers passed away.” I didn’t know what to do, I was in shock! For the last 4 months, how could I not be there for my grandmother? She lived for us, and I was so focused on my sister and my dad I forgot about spending time with my grandmother.
At that point something had changed in me. I felt like I had let down so many people.

1.my better half, who stood by me through all of this, loved me endless...never once complained and was supported of me every day.

2.My best friend, who always knew how to make me feel better, brought laughter to me when I thought I couldn’t smile, who would go out of her way to pick up my dog, pick me up if I couldn’t drive, come up to the hospital, listen to me cry and talk about my family for hours/days/months/years, help me with funeral arrangements, and just be the best darn friend one could ask for.

3.How could I not spend time with my grandmother....all that she did for me in my life!
The day my grandmother died, I felt the guilt of not spending more time with her before she left, how I made my better half and my life about looking after my family but most of all for my best friend....not being there for her and not knowing what was going on in her life and if she was having a bad day!
It took me a long time of feeling guilty, trying really to understand this, and to forgive myself. I've learnt many lessons for this.

1.My grandmother didn’t want us to worry about her and she really wanted to be with my mother again.

2.My better half and I spend “us” time and we don’t let my family affairs over take our life.

3.My Best Friend, try to be there for my Friend as she was there for me, I listen to her and I’m there for her!

That was the hardest thing to forgive myself for! And I still work on this every day.

[Lesley]

The hardest thing I've had to forgive myself for is truly letting other people's actions change the way I feel about myself and for taking the blame on myself when they deserve it for the things that they did. I'm still working on it.

[busymomma66]

Like everyone else I have a hard time forgiving myself. I'm the hardest on myself, and when I don't accomplish it, or do it wrong, I beat myself up. But I'm learning that that is what makes us human, and I like being human and messy and non-robotish. So I have to screw up and forgive myself. But it's a hard process, and I haven't mastered it (yet).

Their are two, the first one is not being the perfect parent. I struggle with this everyday. The second is not listening to that voice within myself--the true me, my compass. I listened to everyone else, but looking back if I had listened to that compass I would have done better.

[Jenny]

forgiveness is a big one . . . i work on it every day . . . but my biggest still goes back half a lifetime ago . . i lost a dear friend in a car accident and within the week before, we had been arguing over the pettiest thing, at my insistence - my last words to her were angry ones. we were only teenagers. i was embraced by her family after her loss and know deep in my heart that she would have forgiven me. but i never have forgiven myself (still) . . . sitting here in tears . . . whoa kal . . .

you should make this like the 12 days of christmas lady lady - it's all good. thanks.

[maile]

this one is easy, because it was as recent as a few weeks ago. I lost it on Jason. Completely 100% turned into a raging lunatic monster. He took the brunt of so much pain and worry, that had been brewing inside of me. And he didn't deserve one ounce of it. I used him as a punching bag, and I really hurt him. And it still makes me want to cry when I type it out. I know he forgave me, but I'm not sure if I'm there yet.

[Jordan]

The summer between my second and third years of college, I got re-involved with my first boyfriend. While we were both in a pretty serious relationships with other people.
One of my strongest traits is loyalty, so this was hugely out of character for me. My stupid choices ended up eventually poisoning both of those connections. It was cowardly and it hurt multiple people and to this day I can't believe I was so thoughtless.
I too tend to be hard on myself, and this has been the worst.
I don't know if I have forgiven myself. But I have moved past it, learned from it, and it will not happen ever again.

[Kristina]

i'm still working on forgiving me for this one...my sister is moving away and i have a whole slew of emotions happening because of it. Some pretty awesome and a whole lot that suck but it's the way i feel. I'm working on it!

[Stacy]

I was a terrible stepmother. I found those kids impossible to love and eventually, even to like. I don't know how much of my feelings came through and they moved across the country quite a long time ago, but they were there. I realize now that I took WAY too much on regarding them, thinking that since I had kids of my own, I knew what I was doing, but I did not. It was a complete disaster and not all of my own doing, but I'm finally over it.

[Lana]

the hardest thing I've ever had to forgive myself for, and basically the hardest moment of my life was when I left my ex. I had to forgive myself for all the awful stuff that went down. I said "I'm sorry" a lot, but I think in the end, that made me look more guilty and he still treats me badly, but I've learned to let it go and move on with my life, that I can not change what has happened in the past. I can however, change what happens in my future. I do believe that even tho it was a tough time in both of our lives, that I came out on the other side a stronger, more independent woman. I think I needed to know that I could indeed, take care of myself if I had to (and did for several years). I learned that being by myself was not only ok, but sometimes downright fun. All of that set me up in a good place when I found the love of my life.

[Adeana]

i flew out to visit my grandmother for a week last year. two or three weeks after i came back, we got a phone call. she was in the hospital, was really sick and in a lot of pain. needless to say i flew right back out there with the rest of my family this time. but it took me forever to forgive myself for not noticing she was sick when i had been there by myself, and i felt i had tired her out.

[Cara in NJ]

I am the most hard on myself, the least forgiving!! I am working on that... UGH! I find it the hardest to forgive myself when I lose it with my son. It's not often, oh but when it happens I am consumed with guilt for days... I tend to be a yeller and that is not good.

[Kirstin]

Funny, I was thinking about this recently. When I was in grade eight, there was a horrible bully in my class who picked on one boy something awful. And I, because I was afraid he would pick on me too, kept my mouth shut. I should have stood up to him, stood up for that boy who was treated so cruelly.

I hope that that boy has recovered from that experience and will forgive me for not speaking up.

Y'know, I don't think I've forgiven myself for this...I just try not to think about it too often.

[nali]

I am very critical of myself and sometimes it's difficult putting those feelings aside and letting go. But I have a harder time forgiving myself for the way I sometimes snap at my husband. He so wonderful and supportive and sometimes it makes me angry that things don't affect him in any way. I hope to be more patient in life all together.

[Denise]

I have a hard time forgiving myself for my daughter not having a father. I was 17 when I had her and her father wanted no parts of her. Even though some friends and family tried their best for me to give her up, I didn't. I cannot imagine my life without her. She's 28 now and damn near perfect. I just wish she had had a father in her life as she grew up. Most of the time I can ignore it but every now and then that little voice creeps in that I didn't provide her with a "family."

Denise

[Kirsten V.]

Seems like there all these little things that I need to forgive myself for. I am a perfectionist to and at times I burn out because I can't seem to live up to my own expectations. So perhaps that is what I need to forgive myself for. Thank you for your blog and showing me how to be Bulletproof and to love my life. Thank you.

[Jennifer Walker]

About 12 years ago, my mom was very sick and I was taking care of her. I was tired and grumpy and mad at the world for taking her away. But in a moment, when my mom was reaching out to me -- I was mean and nasty. I became the worst version of myself. My mom passed away soon after and we had many, many wonderful memories after that -- but man, those few minutes still bother me and I'm still working on forgiving myself for them.

[Rebecca G.]

Love the bookstore story. I am with you... hate doing the sales thing. Doesn't that story just prove your point? I just know that you books ended up with who they were supposed to. If only the big chain stores would get that!

As for what I've had to forgive myself of... Gosh, there are so, so many things. I guess the biggest thing would be forgiving myself for leaving my ex-husband, therefore leaving my oldest son with a split home. Although I have been remarried since he was three years old, my son has still had to deal with the effects of a broken home.

I am thankful every day that my son has turned out to be such a good kid (he's now 17)!

[Cindy]

This was a tricky one as I don't typically dwell on any of the decisions I've made. I guess the biggest thing I am ever mad at myself for though, is settling. For anything, whether it's personal. job related, etc. I know I deserve more, and can do beeter, so I can be hard on myself when I know I've settled with less than the best! :)

[Cindy]

Oh, and p.s. I just went and ordered myself a book. :)

[{vicki}]

I too find it hard to forgive myself when I screw up with my son. I keep telling myself and him that even though I'm an adult I still make mistakes.

{vicki}

[Kristen]

first off OMG best gift EVER. i totally just bought FOUR books...for me, my sisters and my mom. shh-hh. MERRY CHRIRTMAS fam.
question where did you get Pilots winter white snow suit?
i have always been a perfectionist. i grew up in a home where if you got 90% i was asked what happened to the the 10%? ...and so on. i always wondered how i could go better as i felt i was never good enough.
i now married and have a monkey doodle ms.Olivia (1yr+ young) and have had a hard time "just being". the 1st 6 months of her life i just couldn't relax and "just be". i was wanting to "make" the perfect moment, be the perfect mom, be the perfect wife, take perfect picures, capture prefect moments. ...when i realized that i couldn't make things perfect i broke down and became very depressed. ...time where rough for a few months. i started to pick up the pieces while trying to slap myself out of this "perfectness" and "just be". ..and a fw weeks laster on may 1st i stumbled on the last few steps in our house while carrying my daughter and shattered my ankle and broke my leg. i saved my daughter but REALLY wrecked myself. my husband was out of town and i had to crawl to the neighbors to get help (only about 5ft away - condo/townhouse). ...after this happened it made me REALLY think about things, about life...about EVERYTHING. i can to the realization that..."LIFE IS PREFECTLY IMPERFECT" and i need to "JUST BE".... breathe!
i still have a hard time forgiving myself for not "just being" as i feel i missed out on truly enjoying life with my daughter and my husband. ...i have a hard time forgiving myself for being so anal and cranky with my husband because i wanted him some how to make things perfect too when she was born...and wee.
so THANKS Kal for your blog and a BIG thanks for your gift!! ...can't wait to get 'em in the mail.
cheers to YOU, Pilot and Dan.
ps. i'm a Christmas geek and I always decorate after Remembrance Day...here's to a festive weekend...a "Perfectly Imperfect" weekend. :)

[Trish]

Yay! I've had your book on my wish list for some time now. Thank you for your generosity.

Forgiveness is a word I'm trying to tattoo over the big FAILURE that I feel like I'm sporting on my forehead. I was always one of those people who thought other people got divorced because they just didn't try hard enough.... until I got divorced and the universe whacked me up side the head. I'm trying to forgive myself but it ain't easy. Walking away was the hardest thing I've ever done and even though it was an act of self-preservation that doesn't mean it felt good. But--forgive and failure both start with an f and have the same amount of letters so maybe if I just keep chipping away I can change it one letter at a time!

[Shell]

Forgiveness of self is hard - it seems like it is needed every day. I need to forgive myself for all my parenting mistakes - large and small. No one is perfect.

[Nieka Apell]

This is the one that sticks in my mind...In high school, a dear dear friend of mine was involved in a auto accident that resulted in fatalities (a child). It was NOT his fault, but he suffered terribly after that. He and I ended up going to the same college. During the early days there, he seemed despondent and sad, very withdrawn. His roommate approached me and asked if I could help him understand the problem. He was very very worried. I ended up telling him about the accident. I knew immediately that I had made a poor choice, that I should have gone to a campus counseling center if I was worried. I brought that terrible accident into my friend's *new* life in a new state in a new school. He had been "that kid who killed a kid" in high school and I had to go and drag it into his fresh start. I did it because I was scared for him, that he was getting too depressed, but I didn't think through my actions in time. I still regret it and the friendships I ruined (his, plus those with other friends who were angry for what I had done). Thankfully, he is still VERY close with his roommate, but I have lost his friendship.

[MissKoolAid]

Forgiving myself for trusting the wrong people. I've done it way too many times.

Sophie

[alexandra]

The big thing I am still trying to forgive myself for is not visiting my best friend more before she died. I had young twins and a busy husband and no other help with the kids - I couldn't get to her when I wanted to and that has always haunted me. I managed to fly out to Chicago a month before she died, I stayed and slept at the hospital with her for four days. I wanted to go back the next month but by then she was gone. I'm still working on forgiveness. I think I'll always be working on it.
A.